My niece and nephew had never been bowling before. When my sister and I visited over Thanksgiving Break, we had a Grand idea: we take them bowling for the first time! The excitement builds. Both kids are happy to go, and they attentively listen to our “bowling safety” spiel. After ball #1, my nephew requests a snack. My old mindset takes over: “No. We’re literally on frame #1 of the bowling game. You had a big breakfast, you’re fine. You can wait until we’re done.”
So we move on. But he doesn’t. There’s a visceral change in his posture and face. It soon spirals into a deep disappointment of not getting a strike every time, and his attitude is quickly tanking: “I don’t really want to bowl anymore. I can’t do it. I guess I’m just bad at this.” Old self would roll my eyes, and I actually did find myself saying, “Dude, if you can’t have fun bowling, what can you have fun with?”

Game 1 ends, and his little sister is begging to play more games. Brother isn’t having it: “I don’t want to bowl anymore! I want to go to Culver’s!” My sister and I pause. Is he really that hungry? “Well buddy,” we say, “Do you want to order some food off the menu here?” His eyes light up. He requests the flatbread pizza, and he doesn’t just eat it; he snarfs it down in a few minutes and is still hungry. He says, “I have a much better attitude now,” and he proceeds to love bowling. 🙂

Others may look at this story and think, “You’re spoiling that kid and just giving him what he wants.”

I used to think the same.

However, if I had paid attention to what I know to be true about kids, we could have avoided the entire “bad attitude” situation, and all had a much better time. Behavior is an expression of unmet needs. In this case, my nephew’s need was under the “survival” category. He was hungry.

It turned into hangry – and we’ve all been there. I had to ask myself, Why did we say no? 

Was it because we didn’t want to deal with washing hands first?

Because we weren’t hungry yet? 

It wasn’t because of the money. We were going to get them lunch anyway. So why did we say no?

At some point, we had to acknowledge that the kid was hungry, and it was inconvenient for us. Full stop. It was up to us as adults to think about what needs he was trying to communicate instead of telling him he shouldn’t have those needs.

If you want to know the end of the story, little sister got 5 more bowling games in (by herself), both kids laughed with unadulterated joy their first time at Mario Kart in the arcade at the alley, and when we left, both said, “Can we go bowling??” when they saw the bowling lanes again.

I am a work in progress, but I try to learn lessons and gain wisdom from my mistakes. I want to share these little moments openly with you.

-Brittany Roberts

If you’re interested in learning more about the Five Basic Needs, check out our helpful downloadable here, designed by our very own Kelli Mitchell!

We look forward to collaborating with you as we work together to support students’ academic success. Contact Education Director Megan Isenberg at misenberg@janeboyd.org or 319-366-1408 ext. 1305 to book our education services today!