Trauma-Informed looks like…
Part #2 – Deep Listening & How to do it

Did your family have a “go-to phrase”? By that I mean, a phrase to get you out of whatever emotional stupor you were in at the moment. The go-to in our home was “You better pull that lip in, or a bird’s gonna poop on your lip.” Much like my parent’s generation, the expectation for my generation was to always be calm, happy, resilient, and to stay in line.

In education, we can experience strong student emotions. And often, we don’t feel like those emotions are justified or match the situation at hand.

Wow, that other kid accidentally bumped into you at recess, and now you’re bawling your eyes out.

Or, You’re having a panic attack because you have to call and tell your boss you’ll miss work today? It’ll take 10 seconds!

What seems big to them is not always a big deal to us, and that is the point. It’s difficult for us to understand the weight students attach to certain situations because we can’t step back into our childhood or adolescent shoes. Synaptic pruning has done its work, and the slow lessons of putting life in perspective have gradually found their way to us.

Our brains think differently.

However, as Brene Brown writes, “In order to empathize with someone’s experience, you must be willing to believe them as they see it and not how you imagine their experience to be.”

So, what can we do to acknowledge what kids are experiencing but still foster resilience? Deep Listening. Melissa King, a professor at Yale, writes that deep listening “is the kind of listening that can help relieve the suffering of another person. You listen with only one purpose: to help him or her empty his heart.” Maybe it’s not so much about the advice we give to fix the problem as it is about just giving them space to pour out what’s inside.

Here are a few phrases to try:

“What is it like to be you today?”

“Do you want a listener or a problem solver right now?”

“You’re feeling _________ (observed emotion). Do you want to talk about it?”

“It seems like you’re having a hard time. What’s up?”

“It’s a struggle for you right now. Tell me more.”

And then…let them speak and pour it out. Sit with them in frustration, pain, anger, or sadness, without trying to fix it. Silence is ok; few words are ok; and if they are pouring out their heart to you, profanity might just be ok for the moment.

Now here’s the twist. The above post was inspired by a class I took this summer for adults. We often need just as much of this space to pour out our hearts as our kids do. Who can you be a deep listener for this week?

– Brittany Roberts

We look forward to collaborating with you as we work together to support students’ academic success. Contact Education Director Megan Isenberg at misenberg@janeboyd.org or 319-366-1408 ext. 1305 to book our education services today!